Our feelings are real, but they don’t equal reality.

For example—we feel hurt because of what we perceive as disrespect by someone who still hasn’t answered our email after a week. This is a real and valid feeling and concern. But was that due to disrespect? What if they got injured in a car wreck and are laid up in the hospital with no ability to email anyone? Or what if they’re just forgetful? Our fuller understanding changes the picture, and with that, changes our feelings. Now we’re either feeling a lot of sympathy for the injured person or empathy toward the one so stressed (or brain-fogged) it made them forget. Probably we can even identify with the forgetful one. Who among us hasn’t forgotten to do something that matters?!

Or what if we’re not invited to a special event or social gathering? Major rejection, right? Who wouldn’t feel slighted, rejected, and a bit hurt by this (unless they’re anti-social or oblivious to relationships)? But what if it was a guys-only thing and you’re a girl? Ok, now you can decide that’s unfair and feel angry about it, but at least you know the reality that it wasn’t personal rejection! There can be other reasons too that we don’t know about.

Or what if we’re angry at someone for being so lazy and uncaring as to not do something we needed and told them to do? This could be our colleague, our friend, our spouse, our direct report. That anger is real. So is the disappointment that goes with it. But what if they have a legitimate reason for not doing it, such as illness, someone not coming through for them to complete the assignment, a traumatic or tragic event in their life, etc.? Now we see the reality behind the disappointment and know they’re not lazy or uncaring. That erases the anger, and our disappointment is now directed at circumstances, not them.

Or what if we’re anxious and afraid when our boss or leader asks us to meet with them individually? Totally normal! Then, when we meet, we find out they want to congratulate and affirm us, and perhaps even reward us. What a relief to discover the reality. Instead of being “called on the carpet”, we’re given the red-carpet treatment!

It’s also possible to experience fear of someone else’s anger or displeasure toward us. This can happen when instead of feeling offended by someone’s lack of response, we’re afraid we’ve offended them in some way, so they don’t want to have anything to do with us. There are two basic types of people in this world: Those who assume there’s something wrong with the other person when they’re not being treated well, and those who assume there’s something wrong with themselves when others don’t treat them well.

Being among the latter type, whenever someone doesn’t respond or appears to slight me in some way, I assume it’s my fault.  Others who struggle more with an inferiority than superiority complex can identify with this. Neither extreme helps us or relationships, and both extremes distort reality. (More on all that in another article) Getting back to the fear of having lost someone’s friendship or regard—again, just as in the first example, maybe they haven’t responded because they got ill or injured or dumped on by others making them do too much else urgently. Or maybe their memory played hide-and-seek on them again!

Perhaps you can identify with this: Some time ago, I had applied and been accepted to a training program for further professional certification in my field. The administrator told me the Director would be sending me an official (email) letter to confirm this, and once I received that, I could register. This is policy for everyone. Nearly two weeks passed, and still no official letter. I thought for sure they had changed their mind, had seen some lack or fault in me, and as we say in some cultures we’ve lived in, “no communication is communication.” Finally, the administrator wrote me to ask if I’d received the letter. I replied, “No, not yet.” Immediately she wrote back with information that totally changed my feelings, along with correcting my perception of reality. Here’s what she wrote (summarized): First, many apologies. Second, a year ago the Director sustained a serious brain injury in a car accident that she still hasn’t totally recovered from, which causes her to forget things. Third, she would remind the Director. That same morning, I received the official letter from the Director, warmly welcoming me into the program.

What a joy to see reality for what it was! “Reality therapy” in its truest sense—it sure was healing, encouraging, and freeing for me to find out my feelings and reality didn’t match!

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” Jn. 8:32

Try this the next time negative emotions well up inside you:

1. A cknowledge them. They’re real. There’s no use (and actual harm) denying them. No one deals with something that (at least to them) doesn’t exist. Owning our feelings is the first step toward checking them against reality. Not owning them doesn’t get rid of them. It just hides them from ourselves, while they’re plain to others, and destroys our physical, relational, spiritual, and emotional health.
2. I nvestigate. Find out if the cause of your feelings is really what you think it is. In other words, find out the truth, the reality. Ask questions. Is your perception distorted, and if so, how? Then ask how the truth impacts the way you feel.
3. M ake the necessary adjustments to align your perception with reality. Your feelings will follow accordingly. “Oh, I don’t have to feel…!” Who wants to hold onto negative feelings anyway, especially for no real reason?

A.I.M. for reality when thinking the thoughts that both determine and arise from our feelings. Don’t just assume “that’s the way it is, so I have to feel this way.” Instead, “…take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)

What reality do you need to discover today?