It’s so easy for our own selfishness and pride to get in the way of someone else’s selfishness and pride, and when they cross, it produces friction. Especially when both refuse to budge.

In relational “science”, we could call this the “First Law of Conversation Dynamics”– For every reaction, there is an equal and ‘opposite’ (matching) reaction.  In other words, you slap my face, I slap yours. You scream at me, I scream back at you. You criticize me, I criticize you back. “Eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth”– until there’s too many blind and toothless people running around, gumming jello for dinner!

Harsh words stir up anger because they feel like a figurative punch in the gut, making anyone naturally want to return the “favor”.  We’re all wired to reciprocate.

But what if, instead of reacting in kind, we respond kindly? What if, instead of adding fuel to the flames of an argument, we douse it?

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov. 15:1

This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible– truly preventive medicine against division and broken relationships!

Imagine someone coming to us madder than a hornet for who-knows-what.  What if, after they let loose with a wrathful stream of verbiage at us, we gently, soothingly, respond with– “Oh, I’m sorry.”; or “I hear you. I’d feel the same way.”; or “I totally understand”; or something similar in spirit and intent?

That wrath is really someone’s way of trying to be heard, to be cared about, to be understood. Once we gently assure them they’ve accomplished their purpose, they have no more use for their wrath.

So it gets “turned away”– like a barking, growling, snarling, Doberman, whose master tells him “Hush up and sit down. This person is safe.” Or a charging rhino that calms down and turns off to the side.

We can reverse the natural “law” of “conversation dynamics” by applying the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit– to produce a reaction opposite to what it would have been otherwise. 

While in college, as a young believer, I participated in a one-month Discipleship Training Camp.  Think of it as a Bible Study on steroids—designed for intensive, microwave-style spiritual growth.  It was truly awesome! 

One of our leaders taught us about “coming in the opposite spirit”.  That is, doing (or saying) unto others the exact opposite of something mean and nasty they’d just done/said to us!  Since it’s so unnatural, this doesn’t come easily to any of us.  Ask any parent who deals with two crying, upset kids, each saying “But he/she hit me first!”

Workplace turmoil, people quitting, church splits, lawsuits, divorces, even crimes, all derive from our natural inability to come in the opposite spirit.  Yes, it’s hard to respond kindly to someone who’s just hurt us.  And who wants to give a gentle answer to someone who’s just hurled a bunch of insults or even curses at us? 

But emotionally and spiritually mature people use gentle words.  True leaders answer gently.  Notice the word “true” here.  Some people mistakenly believe that leadership means barking orders, intimidating people into submission, and being short, blunt, and “brutally honest” with others.

That’s not leadership.  That’s pushiness and rude behavior.  He/she who shouts loudest may seem to win the argument, but only because others can’t be heard! 

Bosses, team-leaders, parents, and leader-hopefuls—don’t confuse outward submission and acquiescence with respect.  Your followers and direct-reports aren’t following you with their hearts. 

Ok, so what if we’re the one dealing with one of those browbeating, blunt, and brutal bosses, team-leaders, or parents?  What if that angry, “charging rhino”, is them, accusing us of all kinds of stuff and berating not only our performance but us as a person?

Here’s where we can be the mature person, the “adult in the room.”  How? Some helpful ways include:

1. Change our attitude about that person—instead of viewing them as “the adversary”, “the monster”, “the jerk”, or worse, view them as “potential friend”, “potential ally”, “person in need of help”, etc.

2. Seek to understand where they’re coming from.  Understanding brings patience.  This is where “look past the fault and see the need” comes in.  Consider their family background, what they’ve been through in the past, how they themselves have been treated before, their fears, and anything else that could have led to their current diatribe and behavior. 

3.  Along with that, consider their current situation.  Often, we won’t know this unless we ask.  We can ask things like:  “How’s your day been so far?”  “What happened?”  “What’s wrong?  Tell me about it.”  Just make sure, especially with that last question, that your tone is sincerely kind and gentle, so they don’t think you’re sarcastic or accusing!

4. Consider anything we may have done that caused or contributed to this person’s anger.  If something comes to mind, apologize and offer to rectify the mistake or hurt.

5. Offer to help.  This means first deciding we really want to.  That puts us on their side, and they’ll recognize our sincerity in that.  When someone comes against us, start moving in the same direction with them!  It will surprise them for sure!  And they may be suspicious of our motives and authenticity.  But after we’ve sincerely positioned ourselves as their ally long enough, they’ll realize we’re really FOR and not against them.  And they’ll soften up.

6. In all of these, #1-5, enlist the help of the Holy Spirit—He’s the One Who changes our hearts, minds, perspectives, and attitudes when we can’t do any of that naturally.

“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Gal. 5:22-23

The best part of all this?  When we do answer gently and respond kindly, think of the result– people who can still see, eat with all their teeth, and enjoy better relationships!