In a world where many believe that graciousness is too “soft” for leaders, I’m here to tell you the opposite—

Gracious leaders are loved leaders.  Loved leaders are FOLLOWED leaders.

If no one is following, we’re not leading.  Sure, we can “lead” by intimidation and heavy-handed consequences, but that’s not really leading.  That’s dominating.  That’s ruling.  That’s browbeating.

Those in positions of authority can do all that and get those under them to comply and do their bidding— until those under them get tired of being squashed under them and leave/quit.  Or, they could rebel and get kicked out/fired.  Not a desirable outcome for either the squasher or the squashed.

Some may say, “Oh come on… do you really expect an organization to accomplish anything or a company to prosper if the head person/CEO is a human marshmallow?!”  To that I would respond, “Yes.  Especially once we understand the true meaning of “grace” and “gracious”.  Also, as mentioned above, it sure works better than harsh and inflexible leadership that chases away all good followers. Those who stay only put up with it out of fear or

Let’s look then, at what “gracious(ness)” really means.

First of all, it’s not lacking discernment or awareness of people’s weaknesses.  Neither does it mean an unwillingness to give necessary feedback about areas that need improvement.  It’s also not “wimpiness”, weak-willed, or wishy-washy.  An effective, gracious, leader will call out and challenge counter-productive thinking and behavior, and call for change.

This reminds me of the time a top leader warned my husband, a team-leader, about a new member about to join his team.  He told him, “You can’t be wishy-washy with this guy, or he’ll ‘washy-wishy’ over you!”  (The guy was very strong-willed).  That top leader didn’t say, “stop being gracious”, or “treat him unkindly”!  Good character is always good leadership.

What does “gracious(ness)” mean, then?  Webster’s dictionary defines it as, “Marked by kindness and courtesy… generosity of spirit…”  Every work and team environment needs this, starting at, and modeled by, the top!  Without it, the environment turns toxic really fast.

Max Lucado, in his book, “How Happiness Happens”, tells of a corporate CEO who got so fed up with his employees’ backbiting, bickering, and verbal bashing, that he threatened to leave if things didn’t change.  He sent out a memo stating he’d be gone for a month, and if he didn’t see them treating each other with courtesy and kindness upon his return, he’d resign and dissolve the company.

When he returned, he was pleasantly surprised at not only the change in the way they treated each other, but how much that impacted their productivity for the better.  Of course the CEO had to model that first, which he did.

Ok, so how do we become more gracious in our attitudes, communication, and leadership?  Here are some ways that work:

1. Really listen, like it matters, because it does. Active listening means:

~Not zoning out when someone is talking;

~Not thinking of how we’re going to respond while they’re talking;

~Giving whoever’s talking our full attention.

2. Think before speaking. Ask ourselves whether what we’re about to say is:

True

Helpful

Inspiring/important

Necessary/nurturing (edifying)

Kind

If it isn’t, don’t say it!  Also, don’t speak before making sure we really understand the situation and person we’re speaking to (which is why we need to listen first).  Finally, practice saying what we need to communicate in as few words as possible (difficult, but do-able)!  That will minimize confusion, misunderstanding, and loss of attention on the part of the hearer.

Two practical proverbs to keep in mind here:

“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.” Prov. 17:27-28

“Where there are many words, transgression is unavoidable.” Prov. 10:19  In other words, the less we say, the less chance we have of sticking our foot in our mouth!  Also less chance of offending someone by ungracious, crude, rude, insensitive words.

3. Have a long “fuse”—the longer we hold our temper, the sweeter it gets! And, we’ll have less to regret later!

It really helps if we can somehow get distance and separate ourselves from whatever is triggering our (wrong) anger.  This will give us greater, fuller, perspective, which will diffuse, as in de-fuse, the situation and calm us down.

Ways to get that distance:

• Count ten “Mississippi”s (or another long word)
• Lighten up—find the humor in it
• Go take a walk outside—the nature and exercise both produce happy hormones, as well as separation from the situation
• Learn from experience—recall the trouble it caused the last time we lost our temper!
• Enlist help—even from the person we’re getting angry with— say, “I’m starting to get angry, and I don’t want to say/do something stupid.”
• Have compassion—as is often said, “Look past the fault and see the need.”
• Be humble—remember we’re not perfect either, and people have had to be patient and forgiving with us!
• Whatever other ways we can think of.

listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Here’s something interesting and useful to consider along with that:  In Taiwan, “119” is the number people call for emergency assistance.  So, whenever we get into highly stressful situations or intense encounters, as leaders, we can call “1:19” to keep things from escalating into destructive outcomes.

Gracious leaders do correct, admonish, discipline, even ask followers to leave if necessary.  But it’s how they do it that makes them gracious.  They do it with an attitude, words, and actions, that demonstrate wanting the best for them.  They do it so that those who need to change and improve feel encouraged to do so, not discouraged and feeling like failures.

At the same time, gracious leaders don’t hold grudges.  Once they’ve corrected, admonished, or disciplined someone, “what’s done is done.”  As leaders, we have to let our followers know their mistakes and weaknesses won’t define them as people.  They may fail, but they’re not failures.

We and they know whether we’re holding something against them by how we treat them going forward.  Are we cold or warm?  Are we giving or withholding opportunities from them?  What do we expect from them?  They’ll either rise or fall to our expectations.  Hint—things go much better for the group when people rise.

Ultimately, “Let your speech always be gracious… so you’ll always know how to answer everyone.” Col. 4:6  That goes for the attitude behind the speech as well.  A gracious leader who knows how to answer everyone can never lose.