As leaders, whether in the corporate world, an organization, or our family, we will encounter followers who’d rather not follow! These people think they know better, don’t find our directions or assignments suitable, and/or don’t want to submit to our leadership.

In other words, they’re divas. While this originally referred to famous opera singers, the dictionary now includes, “a self-important person who is temperamental and difficult to please.” Know anyone like that? Worse yet, are they on your team, in your organization, club, church, synagogue, etc. or in your family?

Usually, they manipulate peers and those in authority by threatening to leave, with the assumption, “You can’t do without me, and we both know it.” That leaves peers and leaders with what appears to be only two choices—give in, or have an ugly fight they could lose.

Most of us would prefer not to have an ugly fight, especially if it results in the diva doing damage to our reputation, the company, the organization, or the family. So we give in.

But what if there’s another alternative? What if we could dialogue with the diva within reason, avoid the fallout of a fight, and still maintain ultimate authority and control?

Ultimately, we have two complimentary principles at play when dealing with divas:

First—“A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Prov. 15:1.

Second—“Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him.” Prov. 26:4.

Put together, this means start by using gentle persuasion to get the diva calmed down and hopefully more flexible and cooperative. If that doesn’t work, don’t argue with him/her—it will just bring us down to their level and won’t work.

Based on these principles, we do have another alternative mentioned above: Give them a choice within pre-set boundaries and within a larger decision.

For example– Let’s suppose you’re in an organization (club, church, etc.), where most or all of you are volunteers. No one’s getting paid to be there, and anyone can walk out at any time. In other words, you, the leader, have no financial or positional leverage.

Admittedly, this makes things more difficult, and it can feel like you’re walking on a tightrope—If you lean too much toward leniency, coddling the diva, you keep the diva and their supporters happy, but others in the group leave. But if you offend the diva, off they go, perhaps taking others with them. Either way, division and splits occur.

How to avoid falling off the proverbial tightrope: Use the “balancing pole” of choices within set parameters. Everyone in the group, including the diva knows those parameters aren’t negotiable. At the same time, let the diva (and their associates) choose between two or three alternatives.

For ex., taken from personal experience leading a committee (gotta love committees—aka sanctification facilitators!): The diva doesn’t think it’s necessary to meet this month. He/she will just let everyone know their opinion on what to do and expect others to follow along. You, the leader, can say “I know we all have tight schedules, so I’ll make sure to keep the meeting to an hour. But, as you all know, we meet monthly. I’ll send out a poll with three choices on meeting dates/times. Choose one that works best for you.”

Oh, but what if the diva says, “No way. Nothing works for me. Too much of a bother. I can’t be part of a committee or church that ‘forces’ me to meet this often. I’ve got better things to do.” In that case, let them go. They may leave. They may even take others with them. But if the diva and those others ditch you, do you really need or want that kind of contentious person on your committee, your team, or part of your group?

Getting back to the tightrope analogy—At that point, you didn’t fall off the tightrope, they shook it! And you’ll land on the “safety net” of everyone else knowing you did the right thing.

“As far as it’s possible, be at peace with all people” (Rom. 12:18). We can’t and don’t need to do what’s impossible.

Now, what if the demanding person (diva in the making) is your child? For their own sake, as well as your own and that of society, use the same “choices within boundaries” method. For example– “Son, you do have to wear a jacket to school when it’s cold out. Do you want to wear your green one or blue one?” Not giving in to your child today will make one less diva for you and everyone else to deal with tomorrow.

Choices within boundaries– the way to truly love the diva, yourself, and anyone they encounter in the future!