How many times has this scenario happened to you– You have a disagreement with someone you care about– Emotions rise, voices raise with them, anger boils over, both of you get hurt, and one or both of you marches away in a huff?
Later, resentment sets in––“He/she had no right to say/do…!” Hearts harden, like gelatin in a refrigerator. Defenses go up like city walls around those same hearts, gates barred, and guarded by pride, hurt, anger, and fear.
For some of us, pride quickly recedes, replaced by regret and remorse. “If only I hadn’t said/done…”. But it’s too late. We can’t take them back.
Or so we think. In one sense, that’s true. We can’t go back in time and un-say or un-do what we’ve said and done. But we can “chase them down” and replace those wrong words and actions with right ones!
That’s called making amends. That’s called taking the first step. That’s called going to them to make things right, beginning with an apology.
“Wait!”, our hearts and minds scream in protest, “There’s no way I should or can apologize to them!” We have reasons to back up this claim:
~”They hurt me first!”
~”They hurt me too much!”
~”They were/are wrong, not me!”
~”Ok, maybe I did react unkindly, but if they hadn’t…, I wouldn’t have…!”
~”Yeah, I do feel bad about what I said/did, but if I apologize to them, they’re going to think it’s all my fault!”
~”Dude, they’re already so mad at me—if I go apologize now, they’re going to pound me into the ground, give me a major tongue-lashing, remind me what a loser I am, chew me up and spit me out, and reject me!”
~”It’s not going to work. They won’t accept it.”
…which all adds up to either, “No need”, “No use”, or “It will just make things worse.”
So neither side takes the first step. Kept in our hearts, the resentment, hurt, and fear expand and rise, like leavened dough kept in a warm, dark, place. In this case, fermentation equals ruination.
How can we prevent that? By taking the first step!
But shouldn’t they be doing that? Maybe, maybe not. But healing and reconciliation can’t take place until someone does, regardless of who was wrong and how much wrong either of us were.
Why? By taking the first step, we:
- Demonstrate maturity— Immature people wallow in self-pity, nurse grudges, and let themselves get “bent out of shape” over any real or perceived offense. Mature people don’t let bitter tastes linger, don’t take things out on others, and don’t take offense. Maturity is ripe with the fruit(s) of the Spirit.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Gal. 5:22-23
Who would want to continue a fight against these?!
- Demonstrate humility— Pride says, “I didn’t do anything wrong.”, “They had it coming to them.”, “Someone had to correct them and put them in their place!” Humility acknowledges, owns, and takes responsibility for any wrong, no matter how little that was. It says, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.” It puts others first.
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Phil. 2:3
- Demonstrate the value of the relationship— Those who put “rightness” over reconciliation lose friends, become lonely, isolated, and increasingly bitter. Those who’d rather reconcile than be “right” do what they can to make things right with others. Regardless of the percentage, they confess their fault in the matter.
The result? A clean conscience, no regrets, and a bridge built for the other person to “walk” across for restored relationship. Sure, that bridge may have to be long and take a lot of effort to build, but the relationship is worth it.
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Pet. 4:8
- Demonstrate courage— We may have good reason to fear the other person’s smugness, reprisal, rejection, and reinforcing their pride. But courage compels us to enter their territory, lay down our “weapons”, and offer peace.
What happens then? The other person feels SAFE to do the same! And nearly always, that’s what they do—return apology for apology, as their own defenses come down. Now that we’ve dropped our defenses and apologized, showing recognition of our own fault, they know they don’t have to fear us “pounding” them!
If we wait for them to apologize first, it may never happen. If we apologize first, no matter how small our fault compared to theirs, there’s an almost 100% chance they’ll apologize. Then we’ll both have that need met.
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Mat. 5:23-24
- Demonstrate trust—in the Lord—Distrust makes us feel like we have to take vengeance and justice into our own hands in order to take care of ourselves and the issue. Trust in the Lord enables us to trust His process of making everything right, even if the other person never repents or makes restitution!
Take them off your hook and put them onto Jesus’ hook. You’ll feel much better instead of bitter.
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” Rom. 12:19
“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.” Ps. 9:10
- Demonstrate mercy— Ruthlessness makes us demand our rights and makes others pay. Mercy begets mercy, as we recognize our own need for it.
When Jesus confronted the self-righteous circle around the woman caught in adultery (where was the guy?), He told them “any of you without sin cast the first stone.” They all dropped their stones. (see John 8:1-11)
Since none of us are perfect, we all need forgiveness. Which means we need to forgive others first. We can’t pay, so don’t demand others to.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Eph. 4:32
- Demonstrate Jesus—The Lord Himself, totally faultless, took the first BABY step by coming to dwell among us in a human body. By letting Himself be born to peasant parents, in a stable among animals and “low class” shepherds, He demonstrated all of the above.
He also took the biggest first step that could ever be taken—from heaven to earth.
So the next time you feel like it’s too hard to take the first step, remember that if He could do it, so can you. He gives us both the reason and power to do it! (2 Cor. 12:9)
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