By now, most of us have heard the term “Emotional Regulation”. As believers, we call it “emotional self-control”. We also know it as: Not freaking out; getting a hold of ourselves; keeping it together; not losing it; not blowing up; not hitting the ceiling; etc.

 

But what do we do when our emotions well up, get very intense, there’s so many and so much of them, and they’re about to hijack our mind, body, and response? Trying to “swallow” them at that point is like trying to stuff an elephant into a closet. It’s impossible (unless you have an incredibly large closet)!

 

For those blessed with more laid-back personalities, emotional regulation/self-control comes more naturally and easily. The rest of us have to work at it. All of us know it’s necessary for healthy relationships and our own wellbeing.

 

How do we do it? Literature and videos abound on this. Here’s just one observation and thoughts on it—> the less we have to deal with, the easier it becomes.

 

For example, a friend recently told me how she has trouble hiding her “extreme annoyance” with those under her authority who don’t do what she asks them to. Rather than try to keep those feelings from surfacing on her face (impossible when they’re that intense), she could do something to lessen those feelings, so there’s less, or nothing, to hide.

 

How do we shrink those feelings down? How do we dissolve them? Not by denying them! That’s just like stuffing the elephant in the closet hoping we won’t notice it! We do it by:

 

  • Identifying them—the “what”. Name our emotion(s). We can’t deal with something until we know what we’re dealing with. Anger, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, hurt, etc. Find a chart or “wheel” online with a description of different kinds of emotions to help you identify what you’re feeling.
  • Examining the cause—the why. What’s “making” me feel this way/these ways? Is it something inside me—hunger, tiredness, etc.? Is it something outside me—something someone did or said (to me or in general)? Something that happened? Something that’s causing us to be anxious or afraid of will or might happen? A potent combination of these? While no cause can totally dictate our feelings, we do have reasons to feel the way we do.
  • Determining the situation it happens in—the “when”. What kinds of places, events, and circumstances stir up this kind/these kinds of feeling(s)? Meetings? Crowds? Parties? Traffic? Hospitals? Unemployment? Tests? Public speaking? Other?
  • Noticing the person/people it happens with—the “who”. Who’s “messing” with us? Who’s “getting under our skin”? Who’s really bugging us? What is it about this person/people that affects us this way? And what kind of relationship do we have with them? Are they (a) family member(s)? Rival? Enemy? Boss? Subordinate? Teacher? What role do they have in our life?
  • Realizing the effects they have on us—health, relationships, etc. Those effects always involve some kind of harm, malady, and/or brokenness.
  • Deciding if it’s worth keeping—what’s the benefit of the anger, annoyance, frustration, etc.? Is there even any benefit? Perhaps, in the short-term, if it makes us ….
  • More cost than benefit? Costs can range from losing our job, losing a friend, and family members cutting us off to all kinds of psychologically and stress-related illnesses.
  • Then find truth/reasons to reverse it. It doesn’t go away by saying “I shouldn’t feel this way”. But it does dissolve when we say, “I don’t have to feel this way because…” For example, “Yes, what this person said is hurtful, but I don’t have to hold it against them because they don’t know better and are speaking out of their own hurt.” As Jesus stated, “’You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’” (John 8:32).
  • Go back down the trail of who, when, and why to put that truth between ourselves and each cause, situation/place, and person. For example, if we’re about to give an immediate angry retort to someone who just insulted us (or seemed to), thinking of how the boss just blamed them for something gives us empathy, which will turn our reciprocal reaction into a soft response.

 

“Finally” (really first) and foremost, keep going to the Lord to develop His character and perspective on all those emotional triggers.

“…let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” Col. 3:15

“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Gal. 5:22-23

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” Prov. 16:32

 

Is this easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes. No more emotional elephants in the room or trumpeting loudly in protest when we try to stuff them in a closet!