Have you ever met someone that “comes on too strong”? We can interpret “strong” in many ways—aggressive, opinionated, overbearing, talkative, friendly, enthusiastic, etc. While some of these are obviously negative, some traits can be positive, such as friendly and engaging. Until they’re overdone and become a nuisance.

Our dog Trooper taught me a lot about this—what it looks like and what happens when we come on too strong. In one way, he can’t help being strong—as a 65 lb. male, golden retriever, that’s part of who he is—strong.

Most of the time, we’re thankful for that. It means he can tackle any intruder that tries to come into our house (even if it’s just pouncing on him and licking him into submission). Also, he can protect us, if necessary, against other dogs, mean animals, “bad guys”, etc., outside our home. He’s even strong enough to bring in those heavy boxes of dog food that get delivered on order to our front porch—if I could somehow train him to do so—maybe tell him, “Look, if you don’t work, you don’t eat!”

He’s also strong in the sense of being healthy, something else we, as his human “mom and dad” are thankful for—able to run and play, almost never ill in the 4-plus years we’ve had him, lower vet bills, etc.

Yet, when it comes to adding his personality to his physical strength and size, it sometimes produces the “coming-on-too-strong” effect. Such as when he jumps up on people—especially lightweight and little people—it can be overwhelming. And when he charges someone at a run, jumping on them, front paws out for added pushing impact, that can be downright overwhelming!

As a lightweight adult female, I speak from experience, having almost been knocked over backwards by my exuberant, playful, friendly, pup. This happens often, and always by surprise. We’ll be hanging out in the yard, he’ll be running happily, when all of a sudden, he wants to share the love and fun—and—“Whomp!” “Hey mom, I’m here! Action time! Wanna play, wanna play?! Let’s go!”—tail wagging the whole time, grinning with that sweet golden doggie-smile—not realizing that his extreme enthusiasm and exuberance can literally bowl me over!

Naturally, I back away from that. All people do. Our self-preservation instinct kicks in when something powerful comes charging at us at high velocity—we either move away to avoid it or put our hand(s) out to stop it from high-impact contact. If the “charger” happens to be an extremely excited and friendly dog, the hand-stop is accompanied by exhortation— “Down boy/girl!” “No jumping!”, or just “Down!/No!”

In other words, we don’t like it. We do what we can to avoid it. Meanwhile, our sweet dog doesn’t quite understand when we “reject” him like that. I can picture his doggie mind saying “What? I thought you loved me! You usually want to be near me and hang out together. Why don’t you want to now? It’s not like I just rolled in poop or something!”

Then I explain to him, again, what’s going on, and why the normally affectionate and friendly human “mom” is backing away from him. “Trooper,” I tell him, as he looks up at me with those soulful eyes, “I love you, but it’s overwhelming when you charge at me like that. You can’t come on that strong!”

Indeed. Time to look in the mirror and remind myself— “Don’t come on too strong with people!” Encouraging, yes. “Pouring it on”, no. Friendly, yes. Gregarious, no. Conversational, yes. Garrulous (talking too much), no. Enthusiastic, yes. Hyper, no.  Entertaining, yes. Attention-grabbing, no. And so on.

Strengths taken to an extreme morph into weaknesses. Attractions become detractions at that point. Such as charm when it becomes manipulative. Or excellence when it becomes perfectionism. Or loyalty when it becomes clinginess. Or firmness when it becomes inflexibility. You get the idea.

Possibly the saddest part of coming on too strong is that it’s counterproductive—it produces the exact opposite effect we’re trying/hoping to gain from it. Conversely, when we hold back and rein it in, we gain our desired outcome.

Back to Trooper, our dog, for instance. He’s going after fun, affection, and affirmation when he comes charging at me (or others) but gets avoidance and scolding instead.

Contrast that with when he’s just sitting or lying calmly on the sofa or rug or top of the stairs (his favorite places). Up comes his human mom (or others), petting, hugging, and snuggling with him, telling him how sweet and cute he is.

When he thumps his tail happily, and/or snuggles back and licks me in response, everybody’s happy, and the bonding hormones roll. If he turns over for a belly rub and I give him one, he’s even happier, so am I, and that oxytocin keeps on multiplying. If he decides he’s had enough of all the snuggling, and moves away for some privacy, he’s telling me, “Now you’re coming on too strong!”

For the person that wants others to listen to them—the more they talk, the more people tune out what to them has become “meaningless chatter”. But if that person stays quiet long enough, others will ask them what they think.

“The heart of the wise makes their mouths prudent and makes their lips persuasive.” (Prov. 16:23)

For the person that’s trying to motivate others to do their best—the more they criticize them for lack of perfection, the more others give up out of hopelessness or stop trying out of resentment. But if that person gives others space, grace, and compliments for what they get right, they’ll have the confidence and reasons to shine.

For the person that sincerely wants to build relationships—the more they pour on the charm and encouragement, the more others distrust what appears to be phoniness and flattery. But when they offer timely, specific, and accurate words of encouragement, as well as authentic interest in friendship, others will trust them and their intentions.

Let’s all learn from our dog Trooper—the guy who gets all the love, attention, and fun he really enjoys, when he doesn’t come on too strong!