Have you ever been around someone who bored you to the point of seeking a way of escape from the conversation? Or someone so intimidating and pushy, they made you feel cornered, with no exit to run through or protection to hide behind? If so, that person was/is likely a narcissist. Someone who feels they’re such a gift to humankind that they have the right to be self-centered and live for themselves.

This reminds me of what one preacher said about dating relationships– “Any guy or girl who’s all wrapped up in themselves is no gift to anyone!”

Which is why those who live for themselves end up with only themselves to live for. People will only put up with a narcissist as long as they have to. No one wants to.

If they’re still there, in the relationship, in the organization, in the home, in the school, it’s because something else is keeping them there—

• The job they can’t do without
• The fear of leaving and being homeless
• The co-dependent need to be needed
• The need to graduate
• The vain hope that the narcissist will actually do something for them of value

Whatever it is, as soon as people don’t need it anymore and/or can’t get it, they’re gone. Even if they’re still there in body, they’re already gone in spirit.

Leaders, do you want to be this person that people only follow because they have to?

Peers and colleagues, do you want to be the one everyone else avoids whenever possible?

Husbands/wives, do you want to end up separated, divorced, or living with someone who’s not really there for you?

Parents, do you want kids who can’t wait to leave home and never come back?

If so, live for yourself, and that’s what you’ll get—yourself.

If not, live for something greater and for others, and your life will be full of a whole lot more than just yourself!

How do we know if we’re living for ourselves? Here are some indicators:

• People are avoiding us—either they’re not initiating contact or conversation, or they scatter and find someone else to talk to or something else to do when they see us coming.
• Our thought life centers around gaining whatever benefits us—what that is and how to get it.
• Our prayer life is oriented the same way, versus truly worshiping the Lord and interceding on behalf of others.
• We manipulate others in order to gain those benefits.
• We’re oblivious to the needs of others.
• Sum—We “look out for number one”, who happens to be us!

How do we correct this and start living for God and others?

• Trust Him to take care of us, so we don’t feel like that responsibility rests on us alone. A famous teacher and philosopher once said, “If I am not for myself, who will be?” That’s a Yes, we need to be kind to ourselves and take a certain degree of responsibility for our wellbeing—eat right, get a job, exercise, get enough rest, etc. Self-care is valid. But we also need to realize we’re not on our own, the whole world isn’t against us, and most importantly, we have a Heavenly Father who is with and for us.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  Mat. 6:33 “These things” meaning whatever we need. Note, it doesn’t say, “then go out and bust your gut trying to add them with what little time and resources you have after you’ve sought the kingdom of God.”! It says— “…will be added”—by Him! When we take care of His business, He takes care of ours. Such a deal!

• Realize that when we start looking out for others’ interests and caring for them, at least some of them will respond in kind and care about us. Thankfully not everyone out there is a narcissist! That also answers the above question of “…who will be?” as to who will be for us.
• Start consciously looking for the needs of others. Train our eyes and ears to notice when something is needed that we can provide. Such as: Set-up and clean-up for an event; a listening ear; a shoulder to cry on; encouragement; a way into a group; connections; etc. Prayer included at every point. Physical, emotional, social, logistical, spiritual, needs exist all around us that we can offer help with. We just need to tune in to pick up their frequency, and we can’t do that when we’re only thinking of ourselves. Once we see the need, we can act to meet it.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Gal. 6:2

• Develop empathy. While this comes easier for some personality types, all personalities can cultivate it within their authentic selves. We do this by imagining how we would feel if we were in their situation, experience, relationship, etc. If we’re still not sure, we can ask, and then connect it to times we’ve felt that way.

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Rom. 12:15

“’So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.’” Mat. 7:12

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.’” Mat. 16:24-25

Yes, this is counterintuitive, but it works. Just look at the lives and relationships of those who live for God and others, and see the true joy and fruitfulness in their lives, even when they don’t get what they want. As the old adage says: J.O.Y. = living for Jesus, others, and yourself.