Some time ago I wrote about choosing our battles.  As an illustration, I used our dog Trooper, when he decided to make himself comfortable in my favorite chair and I decided it wasn’t worth fighting over.  Often in life we have better things to do than cause relational disharmony over something that doesn’t warrant conflict.

But, you may rightly say, what about when we need to assert ourselves?  What about those times when we don’t want to do battle, but we do need to stand up for something that matters? 

Is there a way to negotiate a win-win for everyone concerned?  A way that doesn’t make whoever’s stronger win by making the other one lose?

Let’s go back to Trooper in my favorite chair…

We’ve all heard the expression, “When you can’t beat them, join them.”  I don’t always agree with that—after all, who wants to join evil, harmful, people and causes? 

But, sometimes this holds true. Such as when I realized I didn’t have to either battle Trooper to get off the chair OR give up and go sit elsewhere…

…I could inform him that if he wanted to stay, that was fine, but he would have to share the chair—because I joined him there! 🙂

Now we have a new tradition— one that both of us enjoy. When both of us want to settle into that lovely, comfy, space, we both do.  We figured out a way to make it work—dog and “mom”—for a soft-and-snuggle session—fully laden with an abundant dose of oxytocin.  That is, until he gets tired of it

Wouldn’t it be great if all conflicts or potential conflicts could be resolved so easily? If, instead of avoidance or aggression, we could achieve amicable compromise?

Guess what—often we can!  It may not be as easy or feel-good as snuggling with a golden-retriever in a comfy chair, but we can still go for win-win.  How?

1. Start by having the other person’s/people’s best interests at heart.  I know, that’s hard.  Especially when that seems to threaten your own legitimate concerns! 

It takes a high level of trust—trust in the Lord and some degree of trust in “the other side” (person) to not take advantage of you. But when that other person/people sense that you’re for them and not out to get them, they’ll trust you more, and be less afraid to compromise.

This doesn’t mean presenting yourself as a doormat for others to walk all over.  It means coming from a place of strength and confidence in your ability to make things work well for everyone concerned.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”  Phil. 2:3-4

2. Get rid of pride and selfish ambition, as it also mentions in the above verses.  Pride makes us assume our way is best, and even the only right way of doing things.  Humility makes us willing to learn from others and join them in their way, or at least come to a win-win compromise. 

3. Be neither offensive nor defensive, but rather comprehensive.  In other words, don’t have an attitude of being at war, in a battle for survival against “the enemy”. 

When we see other people as “the enemy”, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to work toward helping them as much as we want to help ourselves.  This attitude says, “If they win, I lose.”  That’s how war works.

But we have another alternative, which is to see others as someone to understand and empathize with.  We can ask ourselves questions such as:

“What’s driving their behavior and/or speech?”

“What are they afraid of?”

“What’s happened to them before that they’re bringing into this situation?”

“What is it they’re really looking for?”

Then, once we’re in that mindset of seeking to understand, we can approach them and the issue accordingly to gain total perspective.  That’s what I mean by “comprehensive” – comprehending (understanding) and complete (their view as well as ours).

Empathy breeds unity.   

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.  Live in harmony with one another.” Rom. 12:15-16.

Note how these two verses go together.

All that said, we still have to reckon with those times when other people refuse to compromise, no matter how we approach them or the issue.

In those cases, unfortunately, compromise becomes impossible.  Then we’re back to deciding whether it’s worth the battle.

Then there’s other times when we can’t compromise due to what’s at stake—such as a real threat to our survival, the necessity of combating evil, or preventing harm to that person and/or others.  At these times, we must intervene and confront the opposition in a strong and decisive way. 

But there’s so many times when we don’t have to beat someone, when we can negotiate a fair compromise, when everybody wins. It’s certainly worth a try.

“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” Rom. 14:19

You may end up as glad and content as a golden retriever and his human mom 🙂