One thing I’ve discovered, regardless of culture, socio-economic status, gender, age, or personality, that everyone desires, is respect. One comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, even became famous for joking about it: “I don’t get no respect!”

Correct grammar tells us this means he got at least some, but he meant he only wished he could get some! The reason everyone laughed was because it hit home in their hearts.

Why is that? Why does respect matter so much to people? Because we connect it to our worth. If others notice us in a positive way, affirm our ideas, accomplishments, and strengths, then we’re worth something. If they actually listen to us and allow us to influence them (hopefully for good), our personhood has value. If not, well, it’s very discouraging to feel like we’re just taking up space on this planet for nothing.

I still remember a vivid illustration of all this many years ago when we lived and worked in a southeast-Asian country. As foreigners, outside their class system, coming from a nation that at that time was respected in most of the world, we had welcome and access to every strata of society. Those in high positions of wealth and power treated us as equals, worth their company, and honorable. Those among the “low” felt shocked, gladdened, and deeply honored by our interest in spending time with them.

Either way, as representatives of our great and powerful nation, we became a status symbol to whoever we “graced with our presence”(!). Given the universal “respect = worth/value” paradigm, we needed to resist the temptation toward inflated egos. But we did enjoy and participate in the blessings of receiving many invitations from all kinds of people in that culture.

One day, we attended events among two circles that would never meet. The only thing in common between them was our presence at both. In the morning, among a few chosen elite plus media coverage, we attended the wedding of a Minister in the President’s cabinet. Oh the posturing before the press, as they pressed in upon us! “Everybody who was anybody” basked in the respect bestowed upon them.

That afternoon, after shedding our high-society garments (and practiced demeanor), we trudged up the mountain with our young son to the village where we’d been invited for a special ceremony. Here, people knew us as “the surprisingly humble and friendly Americans who actually like and respect us for who we are”. We had learned how to sing and play folk music, customs, culture, and local history from these folks, and they’d shared their hearts, homes, and hospitality with us.

As we gathered, I noticed some similar behavior among the “poor and lowly” as I’d observed among the “lives of the rich and famous”—they were trying to win each other’s respect! Out there, in society as a whole, they knew they weren’t going to get it, so they didn’t even try. But amongst themselves, their stories, manners, jockeying for position to get closest to those being honored, all pointed to the same core need and desire—respect.

So, no matter who or where we are, the world and our hearts tell us that in order to have self-respect (sense of worth and value), we need the respect of others.

But which others? Whose respect are we trying to win? Those in positions of authority above us? It’s good to listen to them and follow well. But those people have moods. Those people can change. Those people come and go from and into those positions. They also don’t know us for who we really are. Or we may have to sacrifice our integrity to gain their respect.

How about our peers? It’s good to get along with others, be a team player, and have a good reputation if it’s well-deserved. But again, our peers can be fickle, and they come and go. Also, if we’re posturing for our peers, they may be only respecting an image, not who we really are. Or we may “go along to get along”, sacrificing our integrity to gain their respect.

Then, there’s those who know us best—our family members and closest friends. This tends to work better, because when they respect us, it’s for real because they know who we really are. Over the long-haul, they’ll hopefully still be there, able to see through any façade, there to cheer us on in what’s real.

Still, what if they don’t keep cheering us on? What if, because of changes in themselves, moods, and lives, they lose respect for us? What if our “real” gets to the point where they can’t take it any more and walk out on us, literally and/or figuratively? After all, they’re only human.

“But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Prov. 18:24. Yes, this refers to true friends, but it also refers to our ultimate Friend, the Lord– the One who has promised to “never leave or forsake [us]” (Deut. 31:6-8).

The world may not notice or respect us. Our leaders and those in authority may overlook our accomplishments and not give us credit for anything. We may be invisible to our peers. Those closest to us may even withdraw their respect when they see us for who we really are.

All this means we lose our self-respect, sense of worth, and perhaps, in our minds the reason to keep going—if we continue to operate under the equation of self-worth = my performance and others’ opinion of me.

Under that equation, respect means so much we’ll do anything to get it, including losing our integrity and true selves. In the end, when others discover that (and they will), we’ll even lose the respect we gave ourselves up for.

So, with respect to respect, here’s a better equation that actually works:

Our worth = the regard of the One who made us à unshakeable assurance of our value à freedom to be who He designed us to be + firm commitment to grow and do what’s best and right à respect from those who really matter.

“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph. 3:17

In the end, we get the right kind of respect we truly need, since we’ve been created for community, without fear of losing our worth, based on the Top Authority and Closest Friend and Father’s unchanging love! It will also keep us from getting inflated egos when the world does show us respect.

How will you apply this to your self-respect today?