Few of us, especially in leadership, want to be out of control when it comes to our emotions. Losing our cool isn’t cool, and could make us lose others’ respect, acceptance in a group, and/or our job. Everyone likes and prefers leaders, friends, and team members who can stay calm in crises, remain easygoing vs. argumentative, and level-headed vs. temperamental.

Call it “emotional regulation”, “emotional intelligence”, or “self-control”—a strength that comes naturally to some of us, while others of us have to work at it. But in an effort to gain and keep respect and not scare others away, let’s look at what this really means.

It does not mean suppressing and/or denying our feelings. Stuffing our emotions makes us like a Jack-in-the-Box—it builds up tension inside and all it takes is one crank to make us cranky and explode outward!

Throwing a lit match into a basement full of rags, paper, and wood and shutting the door is not going to make the fire go away. Likewise, trying to get rid of anger and resentment by stuffing it into a heart already full of memories of grievances and hurt, won’t make those feelings go away.

Does this mean we should let loose and vent instead, every time something or someone bothers or upsets us? No. That’s not regulation, intelligence, or control either.

Rather, think of these as being like a thermostat in our home. If it gets too hot inside, we don’t look at the temperature and think, “Man, it’s way too hot! I’d better hide my thermostat in a place I won’t have to see the temperature! Then I won’t feel hot anymore!  Likewise, we wouldn’t take a blower, attach it to the thermostat, and blast hot air everywhere around us. Hopefully we would use our thermostat for its intended purpose—to regulate and control the temperature.

How can we regulate and control our emotions in a way that works for, not against, us and others? By PROCESSing them.

1. P repare— Know ahead of time what kinds of situations, people, expressions (verbal and nonverbal), and conditions trigger intense negative emotions in us and be ready for them when they come. Have a battle plan and be well-protected.

“Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.” Eph. 6:3

2. R ecognize—Acknowledge those negative emotions (mainly anger and fear) when they arise within. Don’t deny their existence just because “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”

3. O bserve— Notice and take stock of what’s happening around and within ourselves and the other person/people involved. Are we or they very hungry or tired? How stressful is the situation? Is it a crisis moment? What are they feeling? How’s all this affecting us?

4. C auses—Once we’ve observed everything, determine which of these is “pushing our buttons”, causing us to feel the way we do. Low blood sugar from going too long without nourishment? Lack of sleep, making it hard to think straight or remain calm? The words, tone, facial expressions, and mannerisms of the other person reminding us of past trauma and people who treated us abusively, triggering a “fight or flight” reaction in us? Other button-pushing sources?

5. E mpathy—Feeling with, instead of against, them. “Putting ourselves in their (too-tight, painful) shoes”. “Looking past the fault and seeing the need.” Their behavior and comments will still bother us, but not as much. Knowing their own felt need and hurt behind it all will help us respond kindly instead of stuffing our emotions or reacting in harmful ways. Understanding brings patience.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience…” Col. 3:12

6. S afety measures— Things we can put in place between cause and harmful effect, to keep the harmful effect from happening. It’s like putting a safety lock on a gun trigger so the gun doesn’t automatically go off when the trigger gets jostled. This buys us time and space to bring our reasoning into the situation. In neuroscience terms, it moves the immediate from our amygdala (the reactionary, emotion-triggered, “fight or flight” part of our brain) back to our pre-frontal cortex (the thinking and reasoning part of our brain). This enables us to do #2-#5 above. Methods include: Taking a few deep breaths; counting to ten; singing at least part of a calm and joyful song in our hearts (or even out loud if necessary); saying a quick prayer to enlist the Lord’s help; recalling Scripture; etc.

7. Stabilizing—Getting the rest, exercise, nutrition, and input we need to build emotional regulation, resilience, and stability. “Input” meaning whatever contributes to mature thinking and feelings, such as spending time with wise and mature people, reading good books, watching and listening to the right kind of videos and podcasts (ones that encourage good character and communication, vs. meanness, rudeness, incivility, etc.).

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Phil. 4:8

Staying at it, not giving up when we fail. Rather, using each experience, regardless of whether we responded well or poorly, as a means of learning, growth, and building positive lifestyle and emotional habits.

In other words, we would assess our emotions, acknowledge the reality, determine the cause(s), and deal with them in a healthy way—checking for and removing wrong and harmful thinking, relaxing our bodies through deep breathing, having that hard conversation while we’re still calm enough to talk reasonably, etc.

As Prov. 16:32 reminds us, “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and those who rule their spirit than those who take a city.”

Otherwise, the very thing we fear and are trying to avoid will occur with a fury, our fury, when we can’t take it anymore and explode.

What are some ways you deal with your feelings before they cause harm to yourself and others?