Last year my body decided to introduce me to a new kind of pain I’d never met before.  The older we get, the more of these we meet, even though we’d rather not make their acquaintance! They also often have unusual, hard-to-pronounce, names that we’d rather not familiarize ourselves with.

But alas, we do. If nothing else, at least we can know what we’re dealing with and how to talk about them.

If we’re the only one “on a first-name basis” with a painful experience, it can be scary and discouraging as well as painful.  But imagine if we encounter a friend or relative who says, “Oh yeah, I know (fill in the blank), I’ve experienced that myself.”

Immediately the “you-too” factor kicks in for both of us! Just knowing we’re not alone gives us enough comfort to cut the pain in half, be it physical or emotional or both (since one often causes the other).

That’s why Scripture tells us to:

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Rom. 12:15

Jesus Himself even did and does this, setting an example for us.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” Heb. 4:15

For example, in this instance, of sciatica, my husband told me, “Mom has had this for a long time. Let’s see what she has to say.”  We called her, and immediately she empathized, shared what she’d learned to do about it, and the “you-too” factor enveloped both of us. Soon we were laughing and joking about it, and actually enjoying a pain point as a deeper-connection point!

My mom-in-love and I have always had a close, loving, relationship, for which I’m very thankful. So, someone could rightly ask, “what about people we’re not close too? What about acquaintances, or someone we meet for the first time, or worse yet, someone who doesn’t like us, or our relationship is strained?”

The ”you-too” factor covers that too. Case in point—when I got that first-time sciatica last year: There’s a family member I get along with fine, as long as we avoid certain touchy subjects to her, or I don’t accidentally tick her off. I’m guessing we all have relatives like that, where conversation with them resembles walking through a minefield—we never know when we might set them off.

Lying down on the sofa with nothing to do, I decided to call her. We talked happily and peacefully for many minutes—the secret to this is she talked, I listened and agreed, and we laughed together.

Then she asked, “How are you doing?” That’s when I took the risk. Instead of answering “fine” (big lie), I told her about the pain. “Oh, yeah, I’ve had that!…” and she proceeded to tell me all about it, giving great suggestions, showing both sympathy and empathy, and becoming very tender with me.

It turned a careful conversation into a warm and bonding one, as we connected better through the “you-too” factor.

Ok—that was still someone I already know well. What about a new or surface acquaintance? Do they really want to hear about our pain or reveal theirs? Maybe, maybe not. It takes discernment and careful probing to find out. Some ways to discern this include:

• Personality—what kind of person we’re conversing with—open and vulnerable, or more reserved and careful? Warm and accepting or cool and judgmental? Empathetic or self-centered? If we’re not sure, “test the waters” with some non-threatening comments or questions to find out.
• Timing/situation—A business meeting or in the middle of solving a crisis would not be the time to try “you too” bonding. But a social gathering or conference break time could be. Small group sharing time would definitely be the time to step out, unless everyone has closed, judgmental, personalities. In which case it may be time to find a different small group!
• Position/level of authority—Unless we know our boss very well and they’ve become a friend and mentor, it’s not comfortable or advisable sharing our “stuff”. Conversely, they’re not likely to share with us. But if they do, the quickest way to put them at ease and connect well is to find a way to employ the “you too” factor.

What if you’re a leader? How does the “you-too” factor fit in to your relationships and effectiveness as a leader?

Conventional “wisdom” has always stated that leaders dare not share any pain, need for improvement, or need for help lest they appear weak, unworthy of leadership, and lose the respect of their followers.

Actually, the opposite is true. Followers prefer to follow a real person, rather than a robot or a rock. Authenticity is approachability. Reality resonates and produces relatability. Not saying to “let it all out” or “air all your dirty laundry”.

But vulnerability and authenticity are now recognized as strengths not only in warm, fuzzy, friendships, but in corporate offices and even the C-Suite. Rather than losing respect, we as leaders will gain it. Provided we follow the guidelines mentioned above (Personality, timing, appropriateness).

It’s up to us as leaders to discern the situation, people, area, and degree of “you too” points to create through our own vulnerability. Done well, when we initiate sharing your own pain-point, our vulnerability lets others become the “you-too” for us, creating the kind of bonding every team needs.

Our sharing also opens the door for others to share. Everyone in the room (literal or virtual) seeing our model, feels the freedom. No one will fear appearing stupid, weak, or incompetent about sharing, since the respected leader already did so.

In fact, creating an atmosphere of openness and trust this way even makes appropriately vulnerable sharing the modus-operandi of the group. In other words, not doing so makes people look “bad”.

Then, as the leader, we can be that “you-too” for anyone who’s going through something difficult and has the courage to share it. The fact that you, the leader, can identify and empathize will have a powerful encouraging effect—not only on the person suffering but on the whole team seeing that you’re human too.

Why go it alone when we can all turn paint-points into connection-points through the “you-too” factor? It diminishes the pain, cutting it in half or less, and even turns it into blessing (the relationship and hope shared).

Likewise, why let someone else go it alone when we can share and bear in their afflictions and joys, finding a way to be their “you-too”?