If someone comes up to you and says, “I’m going to be brutally honest with you…”, how does that make you feel? Probably like you have to brace yourself, prepare to be offended in some way, and perhaps become defensive to protect yourself!

Many people say “Yeah, but there are times when we have to be direct—no sugarcoating the truth—sometimes you have to tell it like it is, even if it hurts!”

Granted, there are times when someone needs to hear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Especially when that truth becomes like surgery, removing something deadly from that person’s thought life.

But I’ve never heard of surgeons being brutal. Direct, yes. Accurate and to the point, yes. Getting at whatever they need to, yes.  But not brutal.

Brutal would be more like someone stabbing the patient, not surgery. Surgery is a delicate, careful, gentle, very precise, process that aims at removing whatever’s harmful, not causing harm.

In the same way, our honesty needs to be like a scalpel in the hands of a surgeon, not a cleaver in the hands of a butcher!

Effective leaders and true friends know how to tell the truth others need to hear. “Speaking the truth in love…” (Eph. 4:15). That’s not just Scripture, that’s good relational sense.

This challenges and affirms both harmony-oriented and truth-oriented personalities and cultures. Here, we express the truth, but also consider the person’s feelings when expressing it.

When the other person sees we really care about how they feel receiving this “hard truth” about a fault of theirs, they won’t be so defensive. With walls, shields, and counter-offensive weapons down, people can receive, ponder, and internalize much-needed truth.

So, what are some life-giving, love-motivated, ways to speak the truth in love, that help others feel safe to consider it?

1. Examine our motives—Why do we want to tell them this particular truth? 

To “give them a piece of my mind” (out of anger)? Speaking our piece for its own sake never leads to peace! Certainly not peace of mind for them, nor peace in the relationship. Not even peace of mind for ourselves, since we’re focused on whatever gets us all worked up, and their defensive response will only exacerbate that.

To “fix” them? People aren’t plumbing— no-one likes to be “fixed”. Besides, change has to come from the inside out, not the outside in. In other words, we can’t fix or produce needed change in anyone. We can encourage, support, and share helpful wisdom once someone already desires and is working on that change. But they have to own it. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit works powerfully and effectively in those who have given their lives to the Lord. For those that haven’t, He can still speak to them in ways they’ll hear it.

To demonstrate our superior knowledge and maturity? We don’t want to feel inferior, less-than, or lacking in intelligence, and neither does anyone else. Pride exudes an unpleasant relational “odor”, that chases others away.

Legitimate motives/attitudes, then, include:

–Seeking their highest good (one definition of love), even if it means putting that above our own.

–Gentleness, patience, and trusting the Lord to work in their hearts.

–Humility—no desire to prove ourselves or lord it over them in any way.

Our goal for instructing anyone/sharing truth needs to be to communicate and impart “love from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith.” 1 Tim. 1:5.

2. “Sandwich” the “distasteful” stuff between thick slices of affirmation—start with complimenting them on their good action and/or intention—tell the hard truth—and follow it up with a message of encouragement that shows you expect the best from them.

Let’s take a husband-and-wife relationship, for example:  The husband has to tell his wife the difficult truth that it bothers him when she disagrees with him in public (husbands hate this, by the way, and likely most, if not all, of us wives have been confronted on it!).

He could just blast her and “cut her down to size” for bruising his ego.  But what would this accomplish?  Probably defensiveness, push back (“Well, someone has to set you straight!”), and little to no change in his wife’s behavior.

Or he could stuff his feelings and resent her until he can’t stand it anymore and walks out on her.

Or he could tell his wife, in a calm time and tone, that they need to talk about something.  Then start the conversation by affirming her zeal for truth, accuracy, and ensuring right understanding.

After that, he could bring up the fact that disagreeing with him in public makes him feel disrespected and makes others uncomfortable.

Finally, he can encourage and affirm her willingness to put their relationship first while seeking a better way to get the truth across.

3. Make it clear that we still accept them and won’t abandon the relationship even though we had to reprove or admonish them for something.

Remember, none of us are perfect either. If the perfect Lord sticks with us, no matter what, we can certainly stick with others!

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Rom. 5:8

Think of this in our own lives. We’ve all had “friends” and leaders who’ve rejected or distanced themselves from us when they found out we had had faults and flaws. Hopefully, we’ve also had at least one leader and/or friend who confronted us kindly and hung around to support us in our journey toward needed change!

4. Keep the relationship top priority, over the issue, unless that issue can truly cause harm to others or ourselves. In other words, before confronting someone, ask “Is this really worth possibly endangering our destroying our relationship over?”

“Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” 2 Cor. 13:11

5. Be sensitive to timing—Don’t “blast” someone before breakfast! Not that we should blast anyone anyway, but when someone is weak, hungry, in the midst of hardship, etc., is not the time to deliver hard truth to them!

The one we’re confronting with the truth will receive it better and appreciate it. Then they’ll act on it. That sure beats someone feeling like they have to defend themselves against it and closing themselves off to it.

So, as leaders and friends, let’s be carefully honest, kindly honest, edifyingly honest. We’ll get a lot better results that way.

In other words, let’s not be brutally honest. As mentioned earlier, brutal never builds relationship. We can share hard truth in a soft way.