We say fewer stupid things when we say less!

That seems obvious, yet how many of us put it into practice? For some of us, especially extroverts, there’s so much we want and feel we need to say, it’s hard to keep it in!

Here’s two Proverbs for incentive:

“Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly come to ruin.” (Prov. 13:3)

“Where there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but whoever restrains their lips acts wisely.” (Prov. 10:19)

“Transgression” is just a fancy word for “crossing the line”—going farther than we should; “pushing the envelope” until it falls onto the floor! Going beyond the boundaries of what’s acceptable, and/or ignoring someone’s own boundaries and intruding to the point of offense.

Another way to say it—the more we open our mouth, the more we’re likely to stick our foot into it and eat “sole” food—with nasty digestive consequences!

It’s a matter of percentages. Let’s say one of every thousand words we say is something we (and others) wish we hadn’t. If we say 25,000 words that day, only 25 are “off”. We might actually get away with that if they’re covered well enough. But if we say 50,000, 75,000, 100,000… you get the picture! And that’s assuming a .1% mess-up rate, which is actually probably better than many of us have!

Now consider the implications for leaders/aspiring leaders. Leaders who cross the line lose respect from their followers, lose trust from stakeholders, and can lose their position when it happens too often. Aspiring leaders will likely never even be put into leadership due to the risks involved.

Has this happened to you or someone you know?

For example—you’re in a meeting, either in person or online, and more than one person wants to make their voice heard. Often, this results in people talking over each other to the point where none of them are really heard. Then at least one of them, in frustration, shouts louder and says something they regret later.

Meanwhile, the other participants think, “What a jerk!”, or “They dominate too much! Why don’t they give others a chance to speak?”, or “This guy/girl is too ‘alpha’—not someone I want to follow.”

Hopefully this person isn’t/wasn’t you!

Whoever it is/was, could avoid this scenario by letting others have their say. Yes, that’s hard, especially when we have a lot of active minds and strong opinions in one room. (Reminds me of a joke among/about our ethnic group— “Where there’s two __, there’s three opinions!”) We’re not sure how to get a word in edgewise, let alone more than one, and often, two people start in at the same time. Online meetings are even harder to know sometimes when someone else is talking.

But we can solve this easily by saying, “Oh sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. Go ahead.” Or “You first.” Or “Go ahead (name)” The meeting leader will generally make sure we get our chance to say what we need to when that person finishes.

This becomes an advantage/benefit in various ways:

  • You don’t get in trouble for saying something counterproductive
  • You look like the “good guy/girl” for being courteous
  • It gives us time to think about what to say and how to say it, so we can say the best thing in the best way
  • If the other person says something wrong and gets a bad response, we learn from their mistake—especially if we were about to say the same thing!
  • We get the “last word”, or closer to it, so everyone remembers it better
  • The leader or someone else in the group calls on us— “(our name), you were going to say…?”, or “(our name), you wanted to say something?”
  • If the other person does happen to “steal our thunder”, we can affirm them and say, “Yeah, great idea! I was thinking the same thing!” Or “Yeah, I agree! That’s what I was just about to say!” Now we’ve shown up as a team player as well as indicating we had the same thought.

Of course, that’s just for meetings. What about social events, small group conversation, or one on one times with people? The same basic principles apply: Be courteous; don’t dominate; don’t “run at the mouth” until people’s eyes glaze over or they look for ways to exit gracefully; be more of a listener than a talker (the old “two ears, one mouth” adage).

All this doesn’t mean clam up and be afraid to open our mouths. After all, if everyone stayed quiet, no real interaction would happen and no-one would express helpful ideas, encouragement, etc. It just means decide what really needs to be said, and its implications, before we speak up!

As a good acronym out there puts it—THINK before we speak—is it:

T rue

H elpful

I nspiring

N ecessary

K ind

That will really cut down the verbal line-crossing and preserve our relationships, reputation, and lives.

Plus, we can get help, especially for those more extroverted among us, by praying, as David did, “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Psalm 141:3)!

The less chattering, the less shattering (relationships, reputation, etc.).