How many times have you felt like saying, or actually said, “How many times have I told you…?!”?  You wish people would listen and really get it the first time.

A second time can be ok, considering all the stuff people have on their minds and have to do.  But continually having to repeat yourself?  That’s frustrating!

Parents, you can identify.  Somehow your kids never fail to hear you when you tell them their favorite food is on the table.  Yet, they seem to go suddenly deaf when you tell them to clean their rooms.

One Italian phrase my husband and his siblings remember well means “In one ear and out the other.”  That’s because their Italian mama told them that so many times!

People managers, you face the same issue at work with your direct reports.  You show and tell them how something needs to be done, but later you find it done wrong or not at all.  So you correct them as kindly as you can.  But the next time it’s like they didn’t hear you.

And what about those colleagues on your own team or other teams who don’t come through, keep bugging you with the same questions no matter how many times you answer, or ignore you altogether?

I’ve been hearing about this kind of thing a lot lately from my coaching clients.  You can probably identify with some of their expressed frustration:

~”I feel like I’m speaking into a void!”

~”I have to tell them so many times, and they still don’t listen!”

~”I’m tired of repeating myself!  It’s like they never hear me…”

~”You’d think they were deaf the way they keep ignoring what I tell them!”

~”If they’d listen the first or even second time, they wouldn’t keep coming back and asking the same questions I’ve already answered!”

~”I tell him what to do but he doesn’t do it!”

So what do we do?  How do we, as leaders and colleagues get people to get it, whatever “it” is, so that they respond appropriately?  With

–A well-completed assignment

–Regular, full, updates

–Answers

–Less questions

1. Make sure you have their full attention when you’re speaking—In most cultures, this involves eye contact. In cultures that aren’t comfortable with looking authority figures in the eye, look at their expression to see if they’re “with” you. Either way, if their eyes are wandering, their head is turned, or their eyes are glazed over, don’t expect your words to sink into their brains!
2. Clarify expectations, ideas, and concerns. Make sure they understand. Communication hasn’t happened until whatever’s been said/shown is received and understood.  For example, I could talk to you in Finnish, thinking I’ve communicated something.  But if you don’t understand that language, you’ll hear it as meaningless syllables, so I haven’t communicated anything.  It shouldn’t surprise me, then, if you don’t “get” or act on it!
3. Check in – soon and periodically, to make sure they got it, are still getting it, and are acting on it as needed along the way. If they’re off-track, help them course-correct.
4. Let them respond—listen, and respond back accordingly. Have enough dialog to make sure they’re engaged in the conversation and care about the outcome. (Prov. 18:13)
5. Persevere—Don’t give up on whoever you’re trying to communicate to. Maybe the first time you tell them, they’re distracted by a lot of other stuff going on in their world and in their mind. The second time, they could be having a bad day and be emotionally and mentally shut down.  The third time they could be really listening, but still trying to figure out exactly what you mean.  Then, there could be a fourth, fifth, or more times on account of any of these or something else.  But if it’s really important for them to get it, it’s worth continued communication.  (Gal. 6:9)

Although, at some point, you will probably need to rephrase something or explain it better.  As the old adage states, “If we keep trying something that doesn’t work the same way, that’s insanity!”

6. Be patient—That person you’re trying to get through to may actually be listening. They may be giving it their full attention. But for whatever reason, it may take a while for them to fully process and respond/act appropriately on it. Some reasons for this include:

• The information is outside their knowledge base and has to be imported.
• The information is outside their cultural grid and has to be considered in ways they’re not used to.
• Their mindset or heart is set against your request or idea—in which case, you’ll need to persuade them to change their perspective, which takes time.
• They may be mentally or physically drained, so the information takes longer to “download” into their heads, much like a computer with low bandwidth or memory.

But, as covered in #6, don’t give up.  And while you’re persevering, you might as well be patient with them.

That will make you feel better about the longer processing time.  It will also make them feel better about going through all that trouble and time to really “get” what you’re saying.

7. Encourage—Picture yourself as the one expending time and effort to understand what someone else wants you to grasp and do. What if you’re the one who has to struggle with lack of knowledge, cultural or emotional agreement, or energy?

Now that you’re developed empathy for what it feels like to be on the listening end, you can see why they, as you, need encouragement.  Encouragement for listening… for trying to understand… for being willing to stretch their cultural grid and comfort zone… for developing a growth mindset and look at things a different way.

Finally, encouragement for trying.  Even if you don’t see any of it, encourage people for it, and watch them live up to your expectations!

Your encouragement shows them you believe for the best in them.  Then–

~They’ll start to believe in themselves.

~They won’t want to let you down.

~They’ll be more highly motivated and give it their best to “get” it, whatever “it” is.  That makes it a lot more likely they will.

8. Be kind and gentle—This goes with patience and encouragement. People naturally shut down and shrink away from browbeating. If you’re not getting through to them, it may be because they closed their minds and hearts for self-protection.

Try using a kind and gentle approach in your communication and watch their hearts and minds open and receive what you want them to know.

My husband calls me a “fish” because of how much I love water and swimming, but it wasn’t always like that.  When I was little, the deep end of a swimming pool sent signals of “cold!” and “scary!” to me.

Swimming lessons only made it worse.  The instructor always shouted at us and belittled anyone who wouldn’t or couldn’t jump into that deep end and swim.  To them we were either “stupid”, “rebellious”, or “wimps”.

I wanted to swim.  I heard everything they said about how to do it.  But it didn’t register, and it didn’t work.

The next summer, I was old enough to go to overnight Girl Scout camp for two weeks.  Oh, what a joyful experience—nature, fun, adventure, you name it!

And the waterfront counselor—so kind and gentle!  She didn’t demand we swim in deep water.  And she didn’t tell us to “go jump in the lake!”

All the while that she was instructing us, she encouraged and assured us that we had the absolute capability to swim.  She coaxed those of us who felt timid.  She made sure we understood every motion of every stroke.

She kindly and gently came alongside us to assist with anything we didn’t understand or couldn’t get right yet.

By the second day all of us were swimming.  In deep water.  We got it.  We loved it.  And we loved her!

In high school, the PE teacher recruited me to help her teach swimming to our class.  Thanks to that one camp counselor.

Since then I’ve taught others—in the same eight ways suggested above.  People have learned, sometimes faster, sometimes slower.  And none of us have felt frustrated.

Try it.  Both you and those you need to get through to will feel a lot better—especially when you help them “get” it.  Then watch when they internalize and teach it to others!