What’s the first thing that comes into your mind when you think of disagreement?

Debate (heated)?  Disunity?  Division?  Disrespect?  Dreadful?  Damaging?  Destructive? Other negative impressions and results that start with “d” or other letters?

All of these often happen in and from disagreement.  But they don’t have to.

Really?  Even when people disagree over…

~Politics?

~Religion?

~Food preferences?

~Art?

~Music?

~Best teams and players in pro sports?

~What kind of movies to watch?

Since the Lord created all of us unique, none of us will agree on everything.  (Not even my dear, beloved husband of 38 years and I totally agree!)

Uh oh— does that mean people who can’t agree on everything can’t get along?  Or that they shouldn’t associate with each other, let along stay together?

If so, there’s going to be over six billion lonely people, and restaurants had better offer only tables for one! 

Oh well then, since we’re obligated to communicate and associate with others, does this mean we should just not dare mention certain topics in conversation? 

American parents, when training their children in polite conversation, admonish them to “never discuss politics or religion”.  Other cultures, however, dive deeply into those topics with friends, family, colleagues, and even new acquaintances!  I know, because our family has lived there. 

So, as a result, I can assure you, it is possible to disagree and still remain friends!  One culture we lived in even says “you’re not really friends until you’ve argued with each other!”

Sounds scary, doesn’t it?  At least it does to some, like me, who’d rather steer clear of arguments.

Maybe that’s because of all the disagreeableness associated with them.  You know—the shouting, stomping, name-calling, insulting verbiage people fling at one another.  Or, the destruction left in its wake—ruined relationships, reputations, emotional well-being, even careers.

Just anticipating this can make anyone not even want to mention they’re a Philadelphia Eagles fan when they live near Baltimore (for real!).

But, what if we could disagree without being disagreeable?  That would sure make it easier to stay friends and not destroy each other like an elephant stampede!  Then, we could all deal amicably with thorny issues, instead of denying the “elephant in the room”.

Let’s look at how we can do that:

1. Remember that different isn’t necessarily wrong– unless there’s a universally moral-law being violated.  If it’s just about preferences, customs, mannerisms, etc., it’s not worth getting all steamed up over.  Yes, we can say why we think our way is better, but do it good-naturedly, and continue to respect the other person.

2. Remember people don’t change by being whacked over the head with truth—When a universally moral-law is at stake, or anything that really matters is at stake, approach the person and issue gently and kindly.

“…speaking the truth in love…” Eph. 4:15.  Those with opposing views may not change them right away—but—your friendship will remain intact, they’ll know you mean the best, and their heart-door will remain OPEN for change.

3. Remember our goal—It isn’t to win the argument.  It’s to help the other person become more like Jesus. 

“For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son.” Rom. 8:29

4. Remember the key to calming things down– Gentleness.  Fires go out for lack of fuel.  Our gentle response to another person’s raging is like dousing a flame with water, or at least not contributing to it.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath.”  Prov. 15:1

5. Give them credit, at least for trying– A lot of people we disagree with, even politically and religiously, still have good intentions.  I know I mentioned this before, but it’s worth repeating.  We treat people a lot better when we expect better.  They’ll appreciate this and generally reciprocate.

“When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, ‘You are not far from the kingdom of God.’”  Mark 12:34

6. Put yourself in their head— Get a better understanding of their perspective.  Keeping an open mind and considering the other person’s point of view doesn’t have to mean accepting wrong ways of thinking. 

We can stay committed to what’s true while understanding what they consider true, and why.  Figuratively putting ourselves in their mindset also helps us understand why they disagree with us, so we can respond better.

 “I have become all things to all people that by all means I might save some.” 1 Cor. 9:22

7. Build bridges, not walls— Find something you can agree on, and establish common ground with it.  That’s where you can connect and build mutual trust, so we can have dialogue instead of diatribe.  This worked for Paul when he engaged the Athenians and others in the Areogapus.  He keyed in on their altar “to the unknown god.”, and their own poets saying “we are indeed his offspring.” As a result, they gave him a hearing. (see Acts 17:16-34)

8. Remain humble—We can always learn something from those we disagree with.  Even if they’re totally wrong, at least we can learn why people think that way.  And, if they’re not (which is more often than we realize), we’ll learn something we wouldn’t have otherwise.

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”  1 Pet. 3:8

Of course we don’t want to use any of these as an excuse to seek out disagreements!  But these will help us face them, while preserving peace “as far as it depends on us.” (Rom. 12:18).

What do you think?  Let me know how any of these have worked, or could work, for you.