Lately I’ve been hearing often from people who tell me “he/she/they don’t understand!”  That’s frustrating!  Sometimes it’s their husband or wife.  Or their kids.  Or their parents.  Or even a co-worker.

Always, it’s someone who matters.  We need these people to understand us.  If they don’t, it makes us feel bad (or worse), and can mess up our current and even future well-being. 

For ex., “My husband doesn’t understand why he needs to help me with the housework!  I’m exhausted taking care of these two little ones at home every day and on top of that, we’re expecting another baby!”

Or—“My parents don’t understand why I chose this career.  They want me to be ‘successful’ and make a lot of money.  But I just want to help people!”

Or—“My teenage daughter doesn’t understand why we’re telling her she has to be in by 10pm.  She just rolls her eyes and says, “but mom/dad—all my friends stay out later!  Don’t you trust me?!”

Or— My direct report still doesn’t get it that he/she needs to actually REPORT to me what they’ve done each week!

Or— I can’t get through to my boss that I’m doing the best I can, working 12 hours a day, and only have so much bandwidth.  Besides, don’t they understand that everyone needs to sleep and eat sometimes too?!

Or—“My co-worker is so lazy!  When I try to tell him he needs to take more responsibility, he doesn’t understand why or what he should do. So he does nothing, and I have to do his job for him!”

Maybe we see ourselves in these scenarios.  Or ones like them.  The lack of understanding hurts us.  

Somehow, we have to make these people understand!  But how? How can we get through to them without putting them off, offending them, crushing them, or damaging the relationship?

Here’s some ways that work:

  • Speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15) – Often lack of understanding happens because:

1) We’re being so careful we end up “beating around the bush” and that “bush” blocks the real message from coming through; and/or

2) The person we’re talking to senses our lack of love and either tunes or blocks us out to protect themselves. 

— We solve this by speaking directly, truthfully, and lovingly, so the other person/s can receive the message without confusion or fear.

  • Be clear—not vague— Lack of clarity makes our hearer feel like they’re trying to distinguish objects through a translucent window. If we want people to understand us, we have to avoid using jargon, confusing terminology, “million-dollar” vocabulary, etc.
  • Be honest— Most people can tell if you’re sincere or not.  We don’t like it when others are either hiding the truth or faking it, and they don’t like it in us.  Faking comes from either trying to shirk responsibility, dodge the blame, or impress someone.  That’s why no one likes it in others, even though we sometimes do it ourselves!

Admit, own the issue, be who we really are, and don’t cover up.  That way we won’t be presenting a clouded, puffed-up, or distorted image.  And others will be more willing and able to understand us when they see the real deal.

  • Talk to the other person/s when they’re receptive – Not when they’re tired, hungry, upset, or distracted.  For ex., if your mate just had a bad day and hasn’t even had dinner yet, this is not the time to bring up a possible visit from in-laws!
  • Bring them with you, step by step—We know where we’re going, but they don’t. We don’t want to lose them along the way. So, to keep them with us, we need to take them by the hand and guide them through the “forest” of our thinking.
  • Seek first to understand – People are more willing to tune in and give us a hearing when they know how much we care about and understand them.  With the barriers removed, they’ll concentrate and receive our real, intended, message a lot better.
  • Be patient— Keep working at it, calmly, supportively, until they “get it”.  Remember that we’ve been thinking about what’s on our minds for a while, but they haven’t started thinking about it until we say it.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Eph. 4:2

If you don’t understand something I’ve written here, let me know!  Meanwhile, try these understanding-builders.  They’ve worked well for me when I’ve remembered to practice them.  Let me know how they work for you!