Even the best relationships encounter times when we have to communicate a hard truth to other person or people.  Since most of us don’t relish this or feel we have the “ministry of rebuke”, it feels uncomfortable.  So we either put it off or try to “live with it”.

Unfortunately, neither of these work well for the relationship.  Putting off telling the truth allows the problem to get bigger, as the offending behavior and/or speech gets reinforced with practice.

In fact, the offending person/people may even think we like what they’re doing and/or saying, since we haven’t told them otherwise.  So they’ll do it even more!

Trying to “live with it”, and ignore the offense can work in the short run.  After all, Scripture tells us that love “covers a multitude of sins” and overlooks offenses (1 Pet. 4:8).  And if that offense, or sin, remains small and “harmless” enough, that’s ok.  For example, how much does it really matter which way our spouse or roommate attaches the toilet paper roll to the rod?

But after a while, those “little bothers” can add up, compound, and become major points of annoyance.  At some point, we reach a breaking point, decide it’s too much, and either don’t live with it anymore (we leave), or blow up at the offender.

Meanwhile, the offender, who’s been blissfully unaware of any problem, wonders what he/she did wrong, or why we’re “blowing up one little thing way out of proportion”.

Whether the offense begins as little or big, not sharing the hard truth means:  1)Not helping that person develop—which is actually withholding love;  2)Danger for the relationship.

So how do we share it, when the truth has to come out?

“Speaking the truth in love”—builds people up—as we’re called to do in Eph. 4:15. 

This challenges and assures both harmony-oriented and truth-oriented personalities and cultures. Here, we express the truth, but also consider the person’s feelings when expressing it.

When the other person sees we really care about how they feel receiving this “hard truth” about a fault of theirs, they won’t be so defensive. 

In other words, let’s not be “brutally honest”.  Brutal never builds relationship.

It also helps—as a way of showing love—to “sandwich” the “distasteful” stuff between thick slices of affirmation—start with complimenting them on their good action and/or intention—tell the hard truth—and follow it up with a message of encouragement that shows you expect the best from them.

Let’s take a husband and wife relationship, for example:  The husband has to tell his wife the difficult truth that it bothers him when she disagrees with him in public (husbands hate this, by the way, and likely most, if not all, of us wives have been confronted on it!).

He could just blast her and “cut her down to size” for bruising his ego.  But what would this accomplish?  Probably defensiveness, push back (“Well, someone has to set you straight!”), and little to no change in his wife’s behavior.

Or, he could stuff his feelings, and resent her until he can’t stand it anymore and walks out on her.

Or, he could tell his wife, in a calm time and tone, that they need to talk about something.  Then start the conversation by affirming her zeal for truth, accuracy, and ensuring right understanding.

After that, he could bring up the fact that disagreeing with him in public makes him feel disrespected and makes others uncomfortable. 

Finally, he can encourage and affirm her willingness to put their relationship first while seeking a better way to get the truth across.

Above all—make it clear that we still ACCEPT them and won’t abandon the relationship even though we had to reprove or admonish them for something.

Remember, none of us are perfect either. If the perfect Lord sticks with us, no matter what, we can certainly stick with others! 

Who do you need to share “hard truth” with today?