The word “discipline” evokes images of sitting in a corner facing a wall or being sent to an isolated place for a “time out”, or being “grounded”, or a spanking, or worse, accompanied by a thorough rebuke so you’d know exactly why you were being disciplined.

Whether in memory or imagination, we associate discipline with punishment. Yes, there is an element of unpleasantness and pain involved, the result of harmful actions, speech, and decisions that bring about undesired consequences.

But here’s the difference—punishment is meant to hurt someone, to inflict pain as a means of revenge, for the sake of the one punishing them. Discipline, however, is meant to train someone, for the sake of the one being trained. Punishment is done in anger, while discipline is done in love.

How do we know which one we’re receiving or giving? Look at the intent and expression behind it. If we or someone are thinking, saying, and/or non-verbally showing “You’re getting what’s coming to you! It’s payback time!”, that indicates punishment. But if we or someone are thinking, saying, and or non-verbally showing “I wish I didn’t have to do this, but it really is for your good!”, that indicates discipline.

Both desire to instruct and correct, but there’s a big difference between “There, that’ll teach you a lesson!”, and “I’m here to help you grow in character, skill, and relationships.” It also shows up in the kind of lesson learned. Punishment teaches children and adults to not get caught next time, and/or to hate the one punishing them. Discipline teaches us how to do and think better so we can produce better results and responses.

Think back to your own childhood or to your own past or current parenting. What did you learn? What are you teaching? What changes, if any, happened or are happening in you or your children? Did parents and/or authority figures yell at you, physically and verbally abuse you, cut you down, and make you either very afraid or angry at them or both? Are you perpetuating that pattern? Hopefully not. Hopefully you were disciplined by parents and other authority figures who spoke firmly but gently, explaining the cause, the purpose, and showing they loved and believed in you. Did you change for the better because of it? Hopefully, you’re carrying on that legacy.

Or maybe no one even bothered to discipline you? If so, that may have felt good in the short term, getting away with all kinds of attitudes and behavior. But in the long term that left you untrained and unable to get along with others. And you’re hopefully realizing that.

Discipline done right means someone cared enough about your wellbeing to endure their own short-term inconvenience and possible rejection in administering that discipline. They also believed it would work and produce positive change in you because they believed in you. Psalm 11:5 tells us, “The Lord tests the righteous…” He does this knowing it’s going to refine us and make the good better. If we were beyond hope, He wouldn’t waste His time disciplining us. He’d leave us to our own bitter end.

Even the world operates like this. Companies give “performance improvement plans” to people they think have potential to improve. Those they’ve given up on, they fire. Organizations, including Christian ones, come alongside troubled members with firm yet encouraging disciplinary action to help them deal with issues that are harming themselves as well as others. Those they consider “too far gone” due to rebellious and stubborn hearts, they kick out.

Also, the more we’re invested in someone, the more we’re willing to put in the time and effort and sometimes pain to ourselves to train them. Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, do this for their kids/”borrowed” kids. They don’t for someone else’s (though they may wish they could sometimes!). Those of us who’ve given our lives to the Lord are His children.

“…do not despise the Lord’s discipline, or be weary of His reproof, for the Lord reproves (disciplines) those He loves, as a father the child in whom he delights.” Prov. 3:11-12

This reminds me of our dear, sweet, stronger-willed, oldest grandchild, a boy who loves the Lord, loves people, and gets along well. But he’s also human and needs training through good discipline, especially when his will runs counter to that of his parents or the Lord. We got to visit them recently and saw this in action. For whatever reason within, he’d decided not to obey the rules of a game our family was playing in the pool. My husband called him on it, and said “You need to obey the rules, or you can’t keep playing”. He got out of the pool! His way of stating, “I don’t like this, and I don’t like you.” But he did tacitly accept the discipline—i.e., he couldn’t play anymore. Five minutes later he got out his recorder and played a hymn on it—one he’d played for us before and knew we all liked. His way of saying, “I do want to follow the Lord, and I do love you and want to please you.” We all applauded and cheered him, and he smiled. All was well. This 9-year-old is learning and growing in ways that will serve him well as he serves others and the Lord well throughout his life.

Our view of God determines our view of discipline. Do we believe He is with us, for us, on our side, loves us, believes in us, and cares enough to do what it takes to train us and help us grow into the best person He’s designed us to be? If not, we’ll always fear and misunderstand His discipline. If so, we’ll accept it, learn from it, and reap the necessary change in us it’s meant to produce. We likely won’t enjoy it, but we’ll enjoy the fruit. We’ll also be glad we won’t need it again if we learned from it before!

“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Heb. 12:11

Even the best parents don’t discipline perfectly because no human is perfect. But thankfully, with our Heavenly Father, we can have His child’s-eye view of His discipline.