The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver, provides practical to help couples to strengthen their marriage. Here is a brief outline of the book:

Chapter 1 – The truth about happy marriages

Gottman and his associates created a “Love Lab” where they studied couples interacting with one another. The authors have 91% successful way of predicting divorce. Gottman claims that working on communication or conflict resolution is not effective because the core issues are not addressed. Emotionally intelligent marriages are characterized by positive sentiments overriding the negative ones.

They warn against the dangers of divorce. Half of all divorces occur within the first 7 years and 67% of first marriages fail over a 40 year period. Bad marriages lead to physiological and psychological problems including an increase in high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety, depression, suicide, violence, psychosis, homicide, and substance abuse. Marital stress often has an adverse effect on the children’s physiology and their behavior.

Chapter 2 – What does make marriage work?

Marriages are based on deep friendship and knowing each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. Those who have a positive sentiment override can live better with negative aspects in the relationship because the relationship is balanced toward the positive. Gottman’s seven principles are designed to maintain a positive sentiment override. Happily married couples do not have less conflict, but they are better able to repair it before a negative sentiment overrides the positive. Marital arguments cannot always be resolved. Many couples try to change each other which results in frustration.

Chapter 3 – How I predict divorce

Gottman describes four horsemen of the apocalypse that are toxic to a relationship:

Criticism: A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism attacks the character of the person. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame.

Defensiveness: Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim hood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many people become defensive when they are being criticized, but defensiveness does not solve the problem. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.

Contempt: Statements that come from a relative position of superiority such as sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are examples of contempt. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. The antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect.

Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction. The only reasonable strategy, therefore, is to let your partner know that you’re feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break.

Stages that may signal that you are headed toward divorce include: seeing your marital problems as severe, talking things over seems useless, solving problems on your own, leading parallel lives, and loneliness. You must work on increasing the friendship.

Chapter 4 – Principle 1: Enhance your love maps

The more familiar you are with your partner, the greater the intimacy. Those who do not have an adequate love map may experience a drop in intimacy in the relationship.

Chapter 5 – Principle 2: Nurture your fondness and admiration

You must work to foster your positive emotions about each other. Your fondness and admiration toward one another is an antidote to contempt and wards off the four horsemen.

Chapter 6 – Principle 3: Turn toward each other and not away

This principle is based on the idea of staying connected and involves turning toward one another in small interactions. This builds romance and connection with one another to weather the storms of life.

Chapter 7 – Principle 4: Let your partner influence you

You must be willing to allow the other person to influence you in the relationship. Women tend to bring up the difficult issues, while men tend to avoid them. Problems are better identified when the core issues behind the presenting problem are identified.

Chapter 8 – The two kinds of marital conflict

There are two kinds of marital conflict – solvable and unsolvable. Some conflicts are a tension that must be managed. If unsolvable problems become obstacles, then the couple gets into a gridlock situation. Gridlock enables the four horsemen to become ascendant and the couple begins living parallel lives. Forgiveness is essential for enjoying a strong relationship.

Chapter 9: – Principle 5: Solve your solvable problems

Couples tend to grow apart because of distancing to avoid the conflict and solve the problem. Make the problem the focus and not the other person. Don’t store up negative emotions. Make the marriage central, this is not your problem – it’s our problem. Be tolerant of each other and remember that you cannot change your partner.

Chapter 10: – Coping with typical solvable problems

If an issue is deemed solvable, then you must deal with it. Six common marital stressors and coping strategies are presented:

1. Making the marriage a place of peace.

2. Establishing a sense of “we-ness” or solidarity between husband and wife.

3. Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes.

4. Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork

5. Expanding your sense of “we-ness” to include your children

6. Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.

Chapter 11: – Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

Gridlock often occurs when one’s hopes and dreams are not respected by the other person. When the other person’s dreams are respected, the couples are happier in the relationship.

Chapter 12: – Principle 7: Create shared meaning

It is essential to find meaning beyond the mere joint tasks of family life. Common core values can be used to further the couple’s shared meaning and lead to a spiritual connection.

Afterword: what now?

The foundation of a strong marriage is cultivating an intimate relationship. You can improve your relationship through these practical activities:

Partings: before saying goodbye in the morning, find out one thing that is happening in the partner’s life that day.

Reunions: have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday.

Admiration and appreciation: find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse.

Affection: kiss, hold, and touch each other when you are together.

Weekly date: find a relaxing low-pressure way to stay connected. Ask each other questions and turn toward each other.

People with higher expectations of marriage had the highest quality of marriage.

May God richly bless you as you follow His leading.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

Associate Pastor – Discipleship.  The Church at LifePark

Professor of Discipleship, Columbia International University

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