My good friend Ray gave me The Power of the Other: The Startling Effect Other People Have on You, from the Boardroom to the Bedroom and Beyond—and What to Do About It (thanks Ray)! This book reveals the significant role that relationships play in our performance. I first heard Henry Cloud present these concepts a few years ago at a meeting of senior pastors and I was glad to see that he has put these concepts into a book.

He opens with a story about his brother-in-law Mark, a Navy SEAL, who was killed in Iraq. One of Mark’s friend, Bryce, related a story of how he almost failed the rigorous training to be a Navy SEAL. He was doing a long distance swim in the Pacific Ocean and physically felt that he couldn’t continue. Suddenly Bryce looked up and saw Mark, who had already finished the swim. Mark gave him a fist pump and yelled to him, “You can do it!” Bryce realized “another dimension of performance that he had not had access to before” (p. 5). This book explores how we can experience the power of others.

This book focuses upon the four corners of a person’s universe.

Corner #1 Disconnected – This is the isolation stage of a person’s universe. In Corner One you are disconnected from others. If you are not able to have a genuine connection with others you will not be able to perform at your full potential. True connection involves being emotionally and functionally invested in other people, in a give-and-receive dynamic.

Corner #2 Bad Connection – This connection makes you feel bad and adversely affects your soul and your performance. You are connected with someone who makes you feel inadequate or condemned in some way.

Corner #3 Pseudo Connection – These relationships are characterized by a seductively false good connection. You tend to gravitate toward relationships or activities that make you feel good. This may involve pursuing fantasies and addictive behaviors. Those in high-stress situations may pursue extramarital affairs or addictive substances to find connection in pleasure.

Corner #4 True Connection – In this corner you can be who God created you to be.  A genuine connection is formed with others, a connection in which you can be your whole self, the real, authentic self that is free to be you. Your relationships with others are open and honest and both parties are mutually invested in one another. You can share what you truly think knowing that the relationship is based upon mutual trust. Cloud identifies eight characteristics of Corner Four relationships:

We often unintentionally repeat patterns of relating to others based upon patterns of connection that we have learned on a subconscious level. Cloud summarizes the principles involved as we evaluate the level of connection in our relationships.

First of all, we’ve established that, whether we acknowledge it or not, other people have power in one’s life that greatly influences one’s performance. Second, that power can be positive or negative in its influence. Third, we can’t get to the next level without opening ourselves up to the positive power that others bring. We must be an “open system.” Fourth, in order to open up and receive, we must be vulnerable and willing to go into a place of need. Fifth, there are certain components that Corner Four relationships provide— fuel, self-control, responsibility and ownership, a realistic positivity about failure, stretches and pushes , steps, structure, and process. (p. 197)

The relationships in our lives have the power to impact us either positively and negatively. The right kind of relationships will bring us to new levels of challenge and growth. “Here is the bottom line: high performers resolve that tension in very, very different ways than the people they consistently outperform. In what way? Basically this: they are fueled by the possibility of better instead of defeated by it. When confronted with failure, they are inspired to keep trying; they don’t judge themselves for missing the mark” (p. 131).

The writer of the book of Hebrews realized the importance of relationships as he encouraged the readers,

and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

Associate Pastor – Discipleship.  The Church at LifePark

Professor of Discipleship, Columbia International University

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