9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage by Sheila Wray Gregoire presents nine biblical truths that can give you a fresh perspective on your marriage.  Although written from a woman’s perspective, this book can be helpful to anyone who desires to improve his or her marriage.

This book is written in a practical and engaging style as the author writes about her struggles and how she overcame them in her marriage.  Her emphasis throughout the book is on changing your thinking, “What if peace and joy are not dependent on someone else changing, but they instead flow from God giving us the ability to choose how to think, how to feel, and how to respond?”  (p. 4).  She eschews “pat answers” and gives the reader biblical and practical helps to strengthen one’s marriage.  Ultimately, you must take responsibility for the health of your marriage, “God made us responsible for our own actions, our own thoughts, and our own feelings.  No one else can do that work for us” (p. 6).  Here are the nine thoughts:

1) My husband is my neighbor.

Sheila asks the question, “Would your perspective about your husband change if you realized not just that God was your Father, but that God was also your Father-in-law?”  (p. 14).  I impress upon men that they are responsible for the health of their marriage; however, Sheila also reveals the vital role that women have in their marriage, “It is relatively easy for a woman to make a man feel appreciated, because he can experience just one thing at a time.  It is relatively hard, though, for a man to make a woman feel loved and appreciated, because she tends to have so much on her mind all once.  That’s why so much of the power for the dynamic of the relationship rests in our hands”  (p. 22).

2) My husband can’t make me mad.

This chapter is filled with principles for restructuring one’s cognitive framework.  When I take responsibility for my emotional well being then I am not dependent on others for my emotional well-being.  “‘Believing the best’ was one of the best predictors of a happy marriage,” (p. 49).

3) My husband was not put on this earth to make me happy.

She does an excellent job differentiating between happiness, contentment, and joy.  “If your husband suddenly did the thing you wished for, you’d simply wish for something else in its place.  That’s the nature of the quest for happiness.  It’s rooted in circumstances, and it makes you a passive recipient  of what happens to you.  that’s why aiming for happiness will tend to backfire, especially in marriage” (p. 56).

4) I can’t mold my husband into my image.

It’s normal for us to have expectations of others, but we must have realistic expectations.  “My responsibility is not to change him but to accept him.”  (p. 77).  Accepting him means to accept him as your husband and as a child of God.  “You accept that he is his own person who can make his own choices, and you honor his right to make choices – even if you don’t agree with them.  You aren’t trying to control him.”  (p. 77).  Ouch – see, I told you this book was practical.

5) I’m not in competition with my husband.

This chapter presents a well-reasoned discussion on the topic of submission.  “That humility is the key to submission.  Humility says, I won’t pursue only my own needs; I want to look to yours as well.”  (p. 110).

6) I’m called to be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper.

Sheila does a good job differentiating between conflict and fighting.  “Few of us grew up witnessing healthy conflict resolution, so it’s no wonder many of us associated conflict with yelling and fighting and threatening the relationship.  But conflict simply means two people coming together with opposing views.”  (p. 123)

7) Being one is more important than being right.

This chapter points out the importance of oneness in a relationship and moving from a win/lose to a win/win paradigm.  “I forgot that marriage was not about me winning; marriage was about oneness – and that meant we needed to find a way for both of us to win.”  (p. 142).

8) Having sex is not the same as making love.

There seems to be a view in our culture that men need sex and it’s the woman’s job to take care of her man.  Sheila points out, “God designed sex to be a mutually satisfying experience.  Both of us are supposed to enjoy it.  It’s supposed to make both of us feel more intimate.  Both of us need it.”  (p. 171).

This is a complex topic and can be a source of frustration for couples.  “Great sex, especially for women, requires communication . . . That’s why great sex also takes vulnerability.  We have to let our guard down so that we can figure out what we actually want.  And then we need to trust him in order to tell him.”  (p. 169).  In general, women need to feel loved to make love, but men are different.   Here’s the secret to a man’s heart, “Understand that it works the other way for him:  men need to make love to feel loved.”  (p. 183).

9) If I’m not careful, we’ll drift apart.

Intentionality is the key concept in this chapter.  A healthy marriage takes work.  You must realize that, “The natural pull in life is to drift apart.  Currents are carrying us away – currents we often don’t even see.  None of us gets married thinking we’ll end up half a world apart, yet if we aren’t intentional like those sea otters, we very likely will wake up one day, look at our spouse, and think, Who are you?”  (p. 190)

This book is filled with biblical truth and helpful insights to help you become a more Godly person and bring a fresh perspective to your marriage.  God’s plan is for husband and wife to experience oneness in God,

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.  (Genesis 2:24)

(I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review).

Associate Pastor – Discipleship.  The Church at LifePark

Professor of Discipleship, Columbia International University

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